Vienna is teeming with architectural wonders, from well-preserved Habsburg splendour to sleek modern marvels. But amidst this monotony of harmonious design and classical beauty, it’s the downright UGLY buildings that draw my eye. These structures are so ungainly, puzzling, oppressive, absurd, overambitious, or just plain weird that I can’t help but love them.

The German language has a word for almost every niche concept except this one, so I turned to Japanese and found the term, kimokawaii, which translates to “grotesque cute”. Yeah, that sounds about right.

What follows is a selection of grotesque-cute buildings that don’t give a rat’s ass about conventional good looks. Yes, they suck, but in a way that’s kinda beautiful…if you look at them in the right light, and from a certain angle, and definitely not for too long.

Welcome to Adorably Ugly Vienna.

Wallgasse 13

Viennese architect Friedensreich Hundertwasser designed the city’s most stunningly original structures. Tourists flock to his quirky, fanciful buildings but you won’t have to fight any crowds on this dusty corner. Designed by a student of Hundertwasser, this building sorta looks the part and has a vague hint of the magic, just without the magic. But hey, sometimes a cover band is still a fun band!

Tourist draw 1/10

It has a Mail Boxes Etc. so you can make copies inside of a copy 10/10

Märzstrasse 155

Want to feel like you live in a prison, but without all the warmth? Welcome home. This aggressively unfriendly facade is six floors of total bummer. But some days I am this building – grey, negative, not trying to be nice. And that’s OK! Thanks for the reminder, ugly building.

Potential for dinner party success 2/10

Potential for kinky prisoner/warden cosplay 10/10

Radetzkystrasse 2

Home to the Federal Ministry for Climate Protection, Environment, Energy, Mobility, Innovation and Technology. That clunky name mirrors the architectural philosophy seen here of vaguely related elements just slapped together. It has the look of a building proposal rejected by every Central Asian capital before landing in Vienna. It doesn’t look great, doesn’t fit in here, it just exists. And if I’m honest, I can relate.

Legitimacy 3/10

Relatability 10/10

Hochhaus Neue Donau, Wargramer Strasse 4

Look at this gleaming white tower with a commanding view of the life-giving Danube, topped by an elegant, sail-like spire. Just lovely. Oh wait, what’s that silver and gold “art feature” running up the side? Did this building go to Amsterdam for the weekend and come back with a stupid tattoo? And so what if it did? We all have stupid tattoos but we can’t let them define us.

Wait, my tattoo isn’t stupid! 0/10

Yes, your tattoo is stupid. So is mine. It’s alright. 10/10

Gutraterplatz 2

White veneer, simple lines, and vibrant colours – it’s 80s IKEA furniture on a massive scale. And, like a cheap Swedish side table, this building was not designed with longevity in mind. The surface is scarred, the colour is faded, and mysterious stains abound, but it persists. Sadly, this building is too big to hide in the spare bedroom.

Timeless 2/10

Affordable 10/10

Schlösselgasse 14

Is it a Soviet-era home for political prisoners? A haunted insane asylum? Kafka would look at this Kafkaesque nightmare and say, “That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” All those characters in period films that cough violently into a handkerchief, leaving spots of blood? They live here. This building was designed to extinguish all hope, and just looking at this photo has decreased your life expectancy by 6 months. The vermillion window trim is like lipstick on a zombie. Adorbs.

Welcoming vibes 2/10

Sarcastic use of colour 10/10

Müller-Guttenbrunn-Strasse 25

The only thing more depressing than living here is living across the street from here. It’s a sad raincloud masquerading as an apartment building. And while I admire the extreme “no frills” concept, I must subtract half a point because they included windows. If you’re going to go this bleak, go all the way.

Happiness 0/10

Commitment to nihilism 9.5/10

Cobdengasse 4

Hey, speaking of no windows! Looking at this lifeless box, the phrase “better than nothing” springs to mind. Clearly, it was designed by a 4-year-old who is super good at drawing squares but failed to specify that they wanted glass in those squares. And what’s cuter than a tiny architect in tiny designer eyeglasses at a tiny desk drinking a tiny coffee after nap time?

Humanity 1/10

Precocity 8/10

Columbus Center, Columbusplatz 7/8

The design committee signed off on a perfectly nice, plain glass box, but then some hot-shot insisted that they add a bulbous growth above the entrance. Nothing says fashion, flair, and fun like a giant, pixellated tumour. And I’m no doctor but that thing looks ready to burst.

Gets me excited to shop 3/10

Triggers my gag reflex 9/10

Kaiserstrasse 68

This building is like that dude with ‘dad bod’ who doesn’t try to hide it. He’s kinda lumpy and sports a nice little belly but is still comfortable in his own skin. He whips his shirt off every chance he can get and loves every minute of it. His kids think he’s a dork but he probably used to skateboard and play drums in a band. Dad Bod building, I salute you! #norulez

As an example of modern design 3/10

As an example of accepting your body 10/10

Wotrubakirche, Ottillingerplatz 1

This Brutalist church is blocky, brooding, and made of pure drab. Will it bring you to a better understanding of God? Maybe. Will it bring you to a better understanding of your friends who went to art school? Most definitely.

Heavenly choir 1/10

Depeche Mode 10/10

Kenyongasse 5

If you don’t have much to work with, just use what you’ve got and style it out. This ugly piece of crap is surrounded by classically “pretty” buildings, but ain’t nobody else on the street got balconies! With a varied colour palette and a little effort, you can turn nothing into something. As long as you have balconies.

Anything other than balconies 1/10

BALCONIES 10/10

Domenig-Haus, Favoritenstrasse 118

If there was a techno-goth kids show inspired by the work of H.R. Giger (MILLION DOLLAR IDEA ALERT!!!), this would be the friendly robot character who entertains the children with unsettling NSFW tales of dark lust and body modification. Move over, Elmo!

Friendly 3/10

Freaky 10/10

Favoritenstrasse 8

Hey there, Favoritenstrasse 8. I get it. Covid times have been hard. After a couple years of lockdown and isolation we all let ourselves go a bit, “forgetting” to shower, wearing a rumpled hoodie and track pants every day, being a little weird in public. But maybe, and please don’t take this the wrong way, now it’s time to get your/my/our shit together.

Presentable 2/10

F**k you, I’m comfortable like this, ok?!?!? 10/10

Donau Zentrum, Wagramer Strasse 81

It’s big dumb palace of retail crap and you can pretend to be above it, but you still go there. It’s like your recurring hookup who dresses badly, isn’t funny, and is not allowed to meet your friends or family, but you keep seeing them for one reason. Yeah, you know exactly who I’m talking about.

Makes your heart sing 0/10

Satisfies a need 10/10

“Schokoladenhaus”, Wattmangasse 29

Some days the world seems grim and life feels hard, but then one day you come upon a goofy and totally unnecessary building that looks like it’s made of chocolate. That is, without a doubt, a very good thing. Chocolate house! Don’t overthink it!

Edible 0/10

Fanciful 10/10