A little while back, I came across a post on social media that was a poem of sorts. It expressed the poet’s desire for greater meaning in his conversations, a yearning for deeper discourse, for people to share with him their dreams, fears, and desires. And it began with a point blank statement that he didn’t like small talk.

If you make a quick search, you’ll find tons of examples online of people (poets and civilians) saying they don’t like small talk and furthermore, they think it gets in the way of “real talk” about “real topics” of “real importance”.

Now, I enjoy deeply connecting with people as much as the next guy, but these hot takes might as well be coming from ChatGPT because I believe that most of us, if we took a minute to think about it, would recognize that this is not how humans talk to each other. You don’t get into the deep discussions this poet and so many others are hankering for unless you can first perform some half-decent small talk.

If you were in an airport terminal, waiting for a delayed flight, and some dude seated next to you started a conversation with “Tell me about the passion that fuels the furnace of your soul”, you would move away and call security.

If that same dude opened with “You headed to Denver, too?” you would probably respond with “Yeah”, or if you were feeling sassy, “Sure, if the plane ever shows up!” Then, based on your tone and his demeanour and a bunch of other factors (Bad breath? Dumb hat?), you might keep talking. You know, like humans. Could be for a few seconds or several minutes. Hell, if the opening small talk was really good, you might chit chat for the whole three hours it takes before your plane finally shows up at the gate so that you can indeed fly to Denver. And if you did talk for three hours, you’d most likely move beyond small talk and get into topics of varying depth depending on what common ground you share, how either of you is feeling that day, and how comfortable you feel with each other. The poet would be so jealous of you two.

But no matter how that airport conversation played out, I can almost guarantee that neither one of you would say something like “Let us now speak of what lies behind your smile, of the storms that brew beneath your calm waters, for we are beings of light and hope” because, once again, security. 

Ok, I know (or at least hope) the poet didn’t mean for his flowery phrasing to be taken literally. I know he just wants members of the human family to better relate to one another. I know that everything his poem talks about is undoubtedly a legit topic of conversation, but you have to get me there first, buddy. 

I mean, saying you don’t like small talk is like saying you don’t see the point of foreplay. You don’t just walk up to someone and start doing sex. We have a whole other word/criminal charge for what that is. 

Small talk leads you to so-called “real talk”. There is so much you can learn about a person while making small talk and if you pick up on the hints and cues, the better chance you have of deep, satisfying conversation…if that’s what you’re into. 

This innocuous, humdrum, and much-maligned jibber jabber is 100% necessary to set the stage for any weightier conversation you’re after. If you pay attention during small talk, you can quickly learn:

1. if you want to continue talking to this person, and vice versa
2. if you can or would like to go beyond surface chit chat
3. if there is common ground or interesting difference of opinion to be explored

This low stakes banter gives you a chance to observe someone’s posture, hear the note of fatigue or enthusiasm in their voice, and notice the subtle clues that help you tailor the chat and figure out if you want to keep talking to them, let alone hear them describe what sends shivers of delight running up and down their spine or how they feel about the death of their father.

And just to be clear, I believe small talk for its own sake, the seemingly mindless back and forth that will lead nowhere, is still extremely valuable. Society runs on small talk. It’s such a low impact, low pressure way to communicate that you value another person. You can use small talk to pass the time, build rapport and camaraderie, or alter and even improve the mood of a stranger, all just for the heck of it. Small talk greases the wheels of civilization.

If you’re waiting for a bus, or at a barbecue with new neighbours, or sitting at a bar, or going through the grocery store checkout line, you might find that small talk can make each scenario less boring, more enjoyable, and possibly life-affirming. Talking to some stranger about the weather, your day at work, why the bus is late etc. is an easy way to feel you’re part of what’s going on in the world, you’re not alone.

I know many of us want to project this image of being into spiritual stuff, of having more substance than this cookie cutter world can handle, maaaaan, but let’s not forget that you’ve got to take at least a couple of baby steps before you can sprint full speed into questions of existential dread and ultimate meaning. 

My proposal to the poet, and those who share his disdain for small talk, is this — start by asking me if I saw the game last night, or if I’ve ever experienced such a heat wave in April, or how many times I’ve been to Denver, and eventually, I will gladly tell you anything you want to know. If that’s what you’re into.