The Great Perfomances: Streisand & Gibb – “Guilty”

It is September 1986, and the legendary Barbra Streisand has welcomed the glitterati to her Mailbu ranch for a benefit concert. This intimate evening with the incomparable superstar will be recorded and later released as the LP “One Voice”. Will that LP go platinum? Screw you for even asking that question! The event is also filmed because…well, because when an incandescent angel emerges from slumber and hits the stage you grab a camera, chief!

The setting is a pure hit of upper class, 80s Southern California. You can practically feel the warm Pacific breeze, smell the pink jasmine in the air, taste the bitter cocaine drip in your sinuses. The backdrop is fancy without making a big fuss, with anonymous band members clad in black, accompanied by a tasteful amount of on stage foliage to lend an air of harmony with the natural world.

Today we focus on the 7^th, and dare I say greatest, selection from the set list on that magical night, the AOR uber-banger – “Guilty”.

:00 Open on applause for Ms Streisand as the band lays down a groove as light and rich as whipped butter.

:13 Streisand is swathed in white from head to toe, the luxurious fabrics clinging to her classy chassis just so. In a floor length skirt (sassy slit up to the knee on one side) and roomy angora turtleneck (with shoulder sequins!),  Barbra sways her hips to the music and wastes no time in drawing the crowd in with a kittenish “Wanna dance?”*

*Everyone knows this is not an actual invitation to dance with her, in fact before entering the premises that evening all attendees first had to sign a “Document of Understanding” which stipulated that “under no circumstances is there to be any contact (eye/body/other) with Ms Streisand (hereon referred to as ‘Person A’) unless initiated, in writing, by Person A.”, but with a stroke she has established a one on one connection with each member of the audience. YOU are now alone for a slow dance with none other than Barbra frickin’ Streisand!!!

:16 Now some light, lilting “whoa-woo-hoo” vocalizing to fill space and give us a taste of her effortless control. She makes it look so easy!

:28 As the words of the first verse ease from her exquisite vocal cords, it feels like you are being slowly lowered into a deep, warm bath of sound. “Ahhh, that’s the stuff,” you say as your lids become heavy and a glow spreads from your chest to your extremities. The knowing smile on her face tells you it’s so right to feel this way.

:42 “Make it a crime to be lonely or sad!” This line is accompanied by a little shimmy-shake duet between her hips and head, communicating that this is real emotion. And Person A is speaking the truth; it ought to be illegal!

:50-1:09 Tight, lingering shot of Streisand finding her footing with the song. She battled stage fright her entire career and by this point in time had sworn off live performance. But this worthy cause (raising cash for the midterm election campaigns of Democratic Senate candidates) was important enough to once again mount the stage and face her fears. Over these 20 seconds we are mesmerized as she massages the melody, taming the song and bending it to her will. It is clay in the practiced hands of a master sonic sculptor. I just hope to god that soon-to-be freshman Senator from South Dakota, Tom Daschle, appreciated what Barbra went through to get him elected!

1:10 The silky smooth chorus arrives, slow and easy like a lazy river, and Streisand switches to a restrained pseudo-mumble, teasing out the words in a staccato drip that is as playful as it is pleasurable. The stage ought to be frightened of her!

1:18 Burt Bacharach, Carole Bayer Sager, and the gloriously bald Hollywood power broker know exactly what I’m talkin’ about! Even the most seasoned and cynical show people are in helpless thrall when this nonpareil master is at the controls. It’s also likely that baldy was handing out quaaludes like Hallowe’en candy, so, there’s that.

1:27 Classic funny face from Streisand reminds us that we’re all here to have FUN! And to pay $5,000 per couple to raise money for Alan Cranston’s (D-CA) campaign for a third term in the upper chamber of the United States Congress.

1:35 Barbra’s face is now glowing. Two reasons for that:

Reason #1) The funny face was pure gold and she knows it. This crowd is no longer putty in her hands. It’s silly putty in her hands!

Reason #2) The preceding 95 seconds have seen her wrap this song around her metaphorical little finger, which is in turn wrapped around the mound of metaphorical silly putty in her metaphorical palm. She is dialed in and having a ball!

1:39-1:41 Little hip drop and a wiggle. I rest my case!

1:50 Just as she closes her eyes, the reverie is broken by a seductive “Ah-ah-ahhhh” sung from offstage. What’s this?!? She is bodily shaken by the sound, and the look of cross-eyed shock on her face plants question in our minds – was this unplanned? She’s selling it hard and everyone is buying!

1:52 She croons a long, smooth “Ooh-ooh-ooooohhh” in response, turning to see who the owner of this mysterious and enchanting voice might be. Every single person in that audience must be, like you and I right now, on the edge of their seat ($2,500 per person).

1:59 A tall, lean figure slowly emerges from the shadowy shrubbery behind the band, singing “Pulse’s racing darling, how grand we are.” Why, that’s Barry Gibb’s line! Could it be? It can’t be! Even Barbra can’t contain a hungry “Yeah” as the figure approaches.

Look, we all just wanted to raise money for senate races on a perfect late summer California night. An appearance by the greatest Gibb would be more than we mortals deserve!

2:02 IT’S BARRY FREAKIN’ GIBB! Pointy white boots (natch!), tastefully tight white jeans, gauzy white chemise unbuttoned to mid-torso. His mane shimmers, framing the perfect assembly of facial features. Jesus, he looks like a sensual Australian Jesus.

2:05 Gibb saunters forward with a confident smile and loads of direct eye contact with Streisand (exempt from the “Document of Understanding”?). He ignores everyone else. It’s Seduction 101. This is how a high-priced, in demand gigolo would enter a room. He knows what you want him to do and he knows he’s the only one who can do it right. He’s a pro, and he’s gonna make sure Streisand gets her money’s worth.

2:10 Barbra has forgotten the audience. The megawatt electric current between the two performers has locked her in. Bending deep at the waist she delivers a dusky “It oughta be illegal” to the tallest Bee Gee, and makes us believe she would love nothing more than to engage in some extralegal cavorting ASAP.

2:23 They face off at centre stage, grooving, connecting. This does not look like an act, and we lucky voyeurs have a front row seat for their private symphony. Barry delivers a line about reasons for living and battling and building love. Streisand gazes deep into his tanned face and whispers, “I like that.” She is dancing like your mom with a chardonnay buzz on. I feel like I’m getting pregnant just watching this!

2:27-2:38 Lots of interesting things happening in a very short period of time.

• 2:27 Barbra almost comes in too early. She juuuust catches herself before messing up. In her defence, she’s been blindsided by Gibb undressing (and fondling) her with his voice.
• 2:28 Some hard edged guitar chords add a rawness to the sticky sweet confection that is Guilty. I like it rough!
• 2:30 Their two titanic voices finally collide to sing “We take it away”, and quite frankly, Streisand isn’t up to the moment. Still seems a little woozy.
• 2:34 “It’s gotta be night and day, it’s just a matter of time” Barbra is back! She shakes it off, digs in, and now they prepare to soar together.

2:39 After a wobbly moment, Streisand has regained herself and is now a more than equal partner in this musical relationship. The two sing the chorus with a relaxed strength that beggars belief. It’s total “fuck you” talent just showing off now and I LOVE IT!

2:45 Barbra is having fun again, waggling her head back and forth, being impish. No longer the infatuated naïf, she finally breaks contact with Gibb and once again acknowledges the presence of an audience. Forget equals, Streisand is tapping into her power, remembering that this hirsute stud from Down Under is bought and paid for.

2:50-3:48 Gibb has been put in his place and from the looks of it he’s happier than a Koala on a eucalyptus bender! Streisand is carefree, tossing off her lines with a cocksure swagger. We watch, rapt in ecstasy, as they spar, their vocals coming together and darting apart, flitting in and around each other. They go high and low, hard and soft, using all the tools at their command. It’s a motherloving pantload of soft pop grandiosity. How the power on display didn’t trigger a massive, state-shattering earthquake causing billions of dollars in damage and an untold number of deaths is beyond me. This is freakin’ seismic! I assume at this point there are medics dispersed throughout the crowd, using liberal amounts of smelling salts to revive the swooning guests.

3:50 Streisand goes to a regrettable rhythmic head butt move that, at best, reminds us that she is fallible. I’m also open to the theory that this was an alpha display directed at Gibb, letting him know she’s not the one to fuck with. Either way, it’s a low point.

4:08 Heat check! Barry reaches for the top shelf and grabs a note quivering with passion, causing his beautiful eyes to bulge with the effort. Also likely that he inadvertently squeezed out a small amount of pee pee. That’s what singing with/against Barbra demands.

4:15 First rule of show business – always leave them wanting more. Streisand & Gibb, who have blue-balled countless audiences, know this better than most. So, after taking us on a thrill ride for the past 255 seconds, how do they wrap up this bravura performance? By shouting “AND WE GOT NOTHIN’!” at each other 3 times. Second rule of show business – Don’t overthink it.

4:21 The band stops on a dime, the lights go down, Gibb & Streisand share a close embrace as a wave of gratitude from the spellbound audience crashes against the stage. We have just witnessed an aural shock and awe campaign. This was emotional white on white (on white on white) crime.

And despite their protestations, I find Barbra & Barry guilty of greatness in the first degree!